i'd give my heart, if you'd give your attention

FUCK FUCK FUCK

why, after so many months of successful repression am i suddenly analyzing the events of 6 months ago? while i may see it more clearly now, i dont fucking want to think about it. it's easily the most depressing topic (to me) on the face of the planet.

things are never going to be like they were, i'm never going to be happy about it, and thats the end.

we may have been set up to fail by the doubt and cynicism of many involved parties, i can accept that. we may have been timed wrong, i can live with that too. we may just not have had enough openness- i do know we were at eachothers throats constantly toward the end.

but i know, through my overanalysis, it could've been over-fucking-comed; had it only had a chance and some open, honest discussion.

god fucking damnit, im really so sick of this. im sick of the lack of apathy, im sick of the loneliness, the regret, the feelings of failure.... and probably most of all, knowing that i share a completely different opinion than she does- which is blatantly obvious in her brief communication and her actions when i saw her.

why does this plague my conscious? why do i think about this every waking moment recently, and even have another dream about it last night?

misery.

maybe a lobotomy isnt such a bad idea afterall.