...and a big fuck you goes out to...

my wallet.

Where the hell are you?

wow, I didn't mean to be this emo...

This is getting incredibly old.

Today I notice just how long I've been living in the past. Once again, I'm reminiscing about days long gone... probably more than I should. I miss Gainesville and my life there so much, but for once I actually thought- I've said before I wouldn't trade what I have now for that... but the desire is still there.

I'm thinking about this now thanks to an MTV2 special. I'm sitting in my apartment that I share with my wife and two cats (that, oddly enough, I like a bit more than any other cats ever), watching my new TV after work, sitting back with a cigar and glass of scotch watching My Chemical Romance live taping as well as System of a Down.

I always look at the past as the best days of my life. Moving on and the responsibility surrounding it never seems worth it. Because of it, I feel like shit- I was unable to enjoy my wedding and honeymoon (as well as many months of my life) enjoying the moment.

System of a Down reminds me of being 18- the world was mine, my parents were obstacles, and life was just beginning. It was a fun time, I had no responsibility and school was taken lightly. All I had to do was simply... exist.

My Chemical Romance is Gainesville to me- 2.5 years of bliss. I pledged Phi Sig, worked my way into the back door of the University of Florida, and had no real job. Fuck, that was a blast. I learned so much about myself and the world surrounding me... I wouldn't trade that experience for the world.

The point of this rambling, however is what I hope to be self-realization. With the exception of the last 6 months in Gainesville, my life thus far has been looking backwards. Now I have a wife, I have a place with her, we may be starting a family in a few years- I need to think more about the future and prepare for it.

I've been constantly stressed lately with this realization for two reasons. First, it's a drastic change that requires a new mindset- I used to get what I want, do what I want whenever I wanted... Now I look at the debt we have (which is substantial) and I'm scared of starting out in such a shitty spot. Bad decisions are biting us both in the ass- neither of us (as much as we say we are) are accustomed to living off what we have- we're both spoiled.

The second of these is that my actions mean something- I have a future I'm building, and so far all I've been able to do is remember how good things were... I feel like I've cheated my wife and I with my outlook on life.

This outlook has caused me to do what I fear the most- I have been unable to love to the fullest, to experience to the fullest, and most importantly- to live to the fullest.