just 3 more weeks...

then i get to move again, and again! YAY!

the new house wont be ready for another 2 months, so im staying with a friend... which is going to suck. not because of the friend, but the moving twice. i'm sure i'll get by somehow.

but finally, a house... and out of this apartment. what a move! going to have lots of space plus a garage, and room to run libgear from home in a home-office.

i cant wait :)

a valuable lesson.

i've learned something. and im working on it.

laughing at self. not caring what others thing.

seriously, im sure half the people on tr/tf think i'm gay, a pussy, worthless, an idiot, etc...

but i know the truth- im learning to laugh at myself. im learning to throw jabs, take em back, roll with it, and throw another.

its pretty interesting.

independence!

today, i felt something i havent in years.

complete and total independence. im not quite sure why, but the ride home from class was so enjoyable... parking MY truck, walking to MY apartment...

made me very happy.

wow

it was just pent up agression.

glad i got that out, needed to... and the prompting... just, wow.

anyhooter, im in tampa, and have fallen in love... her name is Jetta, she's a 1.8t, and she's a blast.

one big fucking disappointment...

im really starting to believe that im worthless.

really, i am. i work a bullshit job, i don't do well in school, im constantly depressed, and the one thing i want- i cant have.

work is just blegh... no direction, no point. i have far too much ambition to sit on my ass all day.

while i got an a in one class, i got a fucking c+ in comparative politics... thats a goddamned tragedy. seriously, i worked my ass off... theres NO WAY IN HELL i should have anything less than an a.

and the one thing... kiddos, you all know who it is... and its unfortunate, eh?

cant remember what went wrong last october

though im sure youd remind me, if you had to.

normalcy?

itd be normal for me to say i love to hate you.

but we both know thats not true.

i hate to love you.

i really do.

there is no pain like pure unrequited love, aside from that of loving someone who hates you.

or...

maybe noone wants me to be happy.

its a fucking conspiracy.



as outlandish as it sounds, it makes perfect sense.

i'd give my heart, if you'd give your attention

FUCK FUCK FUCK

why, after so many months of successful repression am i suddenly analyzing the events of 6 months ago? while i may see it more clearly now, i dont fucking want to think about it. it's easily the most depressing topic (to me) on the face of the planet.

things are never going to be like they were, i'm never going to be happy about it, and thats the end.

we may have been set up to fail by the doubt and cynicism of many involved parties, i can accept that. we may have been timed wrong, i can live with that too. we may just not have had enough openness- i do know we were at eachothers throats constantly toward the end.

but i know, through my overanalysis, it could've been over-fucking-comed; had it only had a chance and some open, honest discussion.

god fucking damnit, im really so sick of this. im sick of the lack of apathy, im sick of the loneliness, the regret, the feelings of failure.... and probably most of all, knowing that i share a completely different opinion than she does- which is blatantly obvious in her brief communication and her actions when i saw her.

why does this plague my conscious? why do i think about this every waking moment recently, and even have another dream about it last night?

misery.

maybe a lobotomy isnt such a bad idea afterall.

weird dream...

there she was, just like i had remembered...

only this time she was teasing, running, resisting...




all culminating in a single moment, where she pulled me against her and the wall... and all was right.

then i woke up.

bad start for the day.

even as sick, twisted, and self-hating as it may be... after all i know, i still want things to be the way they were. time solves nothing. :(

relief!

finals are over.

thank god. i will continue to finish my bottle of merlot, complete with muenster cheese and carckers... the yuppie scum i am.


i found the final difficult... not because it was a difficult topic, but because the options were so socialist commie-pinko.

bah. but its over! i will now go back to my yuppie snack and baseball game.